Things I Wanted to Say to My Classmates, Part 1

To the bottle-blond sorority-sister in my class:
You have voluptuous lips, for sure, but no amount of plumping lip gloss is going to draw attention away from your weak chin and fish eyes. You are just ever so classy there, with your belly-baring shirt and fake nails. My god, your fingernails don’t even match your blatantly displayed toenails. Powder pink fingernails with glittery French tips (which, I must add, scream two-buck fuck) and hot pink toenails?
This is on top of your transgression of wearing pink cowboy boots with jersey shorts the other day. You must be advertising your love of the reverse cowgirl position, because that’s the only reason I could come up with for wearing such a hideous bastardization of the Wild West. Wearing cowboy boots if you’re actually a cowgirl (the kind that rides horses, ropes cattle, and wears Wranglers unironically) is acceptable, but I’m guessing from your Hello Kitty backpack that you’re not a real cowgirl.
And now I hear you’re practicing Lent? Instead of giving up sweets, like you stated, how about you give up dressing like a slut? That might be a better way of respecting Jesus or whatever the point of Lent is. Oh, but I guess you might die of vitamin D3 deficiency if you go without your fake tan for 40 days.

To the only moderately attractive boy in my class:
My God, you’re actually talking to the bottle-blond sorority-sister? I can usually moderate my anger at those tramps by telling myself that they can’t be that attractive to the guys I’d find acceptable. Thanks for saving me the time I would have taken to talk to you. I don’t need to waste my breath on someone that finds that sort of girl interesting.

To the guy sitting in front of me:
You’re using a PDA to take notes? Seriously? Okay, I understand you’re trying to look “tech-savvy” by using the wireless keyboard with it, but you really just look silly. If you can drop the kind of money you would need for that keyboard, then you can probably afford a laptop with better capabilities. Or be like everyone else and write it notes by hand. It’s not difficult. Besides which, your tippy-tapping on that damn keyboard annoys the shit out of me.